Previously on Heart’s Medicine Hi, I’m Alison Everything’s going great for me OH MY GOD JERRY I DONT KNOW WHAT IM GONNA DO I GOT THE SUPER GONORRHEA DEAR GOD MAN LOOK ALIVE HE’S DYING It doesn’t matter how much they beg I’m never taking them back Man I’m handome ALISON BABE BUT I LOVE YOUUUU *whapoosh* TOP OF THE MORNING TO YA LADDIES MY NAME IS JACKSEPTICEYE AND WELCOME BACK TO HEARTS MEDICINE HOSPITAL HEAT Welcome back to Alison’s ER Doctor Alison and Doctor Sexy Handsome That’s right, his first name is Sexy Second name Handsome Secret first name Very His name is Very Sexy Handsome We’re moving on to ER no.4 Get you a doctor that looks at you the way Alison looks at Doctor Dumbnose Alright EUUAGH I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS ahahah what the fuck is happening AHAHAHA UGH whatever! later, dudes. (aw shit sICK BURNNN) UGH whatever Everything’s back to normal again NO I can’t keep Ryan I have a dog at home that’s hard enough to take care of Oh, that’s what you meant. I thought you meant can I keep him like a dog THEN IM GOING TO GET MY SEXY HANDSOME ASS OUT OF HERE RIGHTY ROODY DOODY RIGHTY, BOY! What are we gonna do witcha? Chop and throw you into the blender? Imma get a new one of these chairs– thATS A FREAKY LADY RIGHT THERE BOOM CAT CHAIR! FROG CHAIR! LADYBUG BED! TEDDY BEAR OF DOOM! That’s it Let’s fuckin go. Everything’s new, everything’s awesome ‘kay you go to that bed, I have to keep this motherfucker topped up On Benedril(?) or something You need a lil bandage? You need the doctor to come over and fix you treatment? There we go, there we go, all better, softball(?) Nice and good A natural beauty? I know, thank you ‘kay, I’ll check you out Thermometers stickin’ up the butt There you go, are you ready? RIGHT IN YOUR BOOB You okay? He’s fine, he’s topped up. I just gave him a lil bit of prozac and he’s all ready to go Right my lil buddy boy Maybe if you didn’t drink that 14 gallons of MILK YOU’D BE FUCKIN FINE BY NOW But nooo, now you- now Ryan’s got a tummyache Maybe if you’d stop being a piece of shit, Ryan People would actually love you for who you are And not because they have to take care of you What’s up? Awww looks like somebody else got a tummyache too YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL, RYAN! NOT IN THIS ER! You need a Gameboy? Okay, just let me charge it up for sec Bling Bling Bling Bling if only stuff charges like that in real life OOH I GOT HIM JUST IN TIME Okay, you go over there. E=mc fuck you Go in that chair Ryan’s okay, Ryan’s okay You need an inhaler. You got a spout in the bout in the asthmatics? (sry sometimes i cant understand jack’s rambling) Get back in that bed Where are you going after this? Hey! He’s healed A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down~ Okay, there we go HAHA! THE BEST DOCTOR– AUGH MOTHER OF JESUS *horrified.jpeg* Sorry I had to do some fuckin’ road work on Cindy here It’s done now, she’s fixed, she’s fine now I AM A FUCKIN’ SPEEDY GONZALES DOCTOR Boom. BOOM BOOM BOOM. I don’t even need to listen to your chest All I need to do was go up and start beating you with a stethoscope and you’re fine THREE STARS Is my shift over? Can I kill Ryan yet? I MEAN EUTHANIZE HIM. I MEAN- Took him in to a coffee READ FASTER DAMMIT Augh fuck youuu MY SHIFT’S OVER!! NOBODY ELSE COME IN HERE PLEASE You’re fine. You go in the chair BRRRRRRRAP there we go I’m gonna put some new pavement down on ya ‘kay, you need to be checked out but you’re fine for now I’m gonna get a sick COMBOOOO SICK COMBOOO AWUWUWUAWUWU Keep Ryan hydrated. Wait– that’s all I was doing? Keeping that motherfucker hydrated? Just give him a bottle of water and tell him to sip on it every 10 mins and he’ll be fine They also cannot degrade. Put a golden heart in here. I-It’s not good an expansion, but MY GOD does it look pretty I mean, you’ll die pretty quick, but, you’ll die with a golden heart in your chest and everybody wants one of those hmMMMPH I’M… I’M ANNOYED THAT THE OTHER BOY CAME IN AND KISSED YOU ON YOUR MOUTH FACE!! OH I CAN JUST EXPLODE (yall just look at ryan bein like ”dam this shit serious”) Um? It was assault, you all saw it Connor’s also a stupid name She’s sitting on my head. I literally have my mom on my mind, that’s a lot on my mind But if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll… KILL MY MOM AHAHAHAHA Ryan’s over in the corner, he’s like ”what the fuck is going on…” Oh, Ryan! Hahhaha HAHAHAHAHAHA That *imitating Ryan* A-Alison…? Alison? You got the joke, right? Jesus Daniel looks like he’s about to pull a revolver out of that desk SHH!! y’all lemme break it down for you real quick Shit’s about to get serious. Y’hear that music? Emotional moments coming up This is like Grey’s Anatomy: The Game Oh, by the way, my cat died and I got a taxidermy but only the skeleton Uh oh Hahhaha don’t mind me, I was just SHAVING MY HEAD That, or I was using a (plain?playn?plane?) to shave pieces of wood off my desk What is THIS? Yeah, you’re a lot more buff and handsome than when you left ooOH SHITT YALLLL I don’t know what’s going on but this game- This game just throws- they throws that rabbit out on the fishing line and just… rabbit (even hes confused w himself) throws that fuckin’ carrot out on the fishing line and just REELS YOU IN, doesnt it? I was thinking about in my head, “Ooh, rabbits eat carrots!” *cue cute giggle* DEUCES!! 😀 BYE! Ahahah I was gonna do the stereotypical Russian accent for him as well but this way is more fun too Gonna get him YAY BACK TO MY HAPPY HAPPY ER Hmmp I don’t know if I thould twust him If I know my chin ass can predict bad feelings That’s not a good one THANKS FOR TALKING TO DANIEL ALLITON Then start making out on the table Alright well okay SEE YA BYEEEEEE Wait, what am I gettin’? New curtains? YA HEAR THAT PARENTS? All you need to help your children read better is to change the fuckin’ curtains Ahehehe, teddy bear boons…. you’re so funny That might actually be good for my combos You know those combos that I’m getting. I’m gonna get this BOOYAH KACHA Get 24 quicktime bonuses? Oh mother of fuck tits There’s one Get to her. Get to her. Quickly Okay. Go over there and measure her ass Well, not her ASS. HER ENTIRE BODY, actually But… get in that fuckin’ chair Uh….. *concentrating hard* Is that how I do it? 4 ft 1 or 4 ft 3? YER THE YELLOW ONE! I did a goooood “Great job!” Thanks, motherfucker I mean- …Connor! Doctor Handsome! DOCTOR CONNOR HANDSOME, REPORTING FOR ER! You’re not even sick! You’re just fuckin’ loungin’ around (yea, where is this hospital where I can use gameboy all day?) ALL YOU WANT IS FUCKIN’ FREEBIE ISNT IT JUST SIT DOWN AND PLAY GAMEBOY ALL DAY I HOPE YOU’RE PLAYING POKEMON BLUE If not, then fuck you OH I HEARD A LIL MUSK(?)RAT Okay, I need teddy bear bones… QUICKLY! SHES DYING DAMMIT!!! Fuckin’ saved her ass Ah, you need me to come over and check all the spots on your face? POOM POOM POOM POOM!! Best doctor! BEST DOCTOR EU BONUS SO LARGE THEY… think I’m in charge! Read this! Sit on this! Yes, read with your eyes! (i miss nugget ma nnnnn) You need a spoon up your butt? No problem, Jack’s gotchu covered ‘kay, now sit in that chair, really make sure that the s-spoon settles in AH FUCKIN’ BANDAGES BANDAGE MY HOMIE We fuckin’ did it. GOLDEN HEARTS!!! FUCK YESA YES 24 quicktime bonuses, heh. DEUCES! Aw shit. This one sucks ’cause it takes ages! There we go, that was fast. HA! HAHAHA takes ages… hell nooo READ THOSE FASTER I DIDNT CHANGE THE CURTAINS SO YOU CAN STAND ALL DAY READIN (insert alphabets here) It stands for: extra fuck poranium– I don’t know Shit, you go there. Quick treatment. QUICK TREATMEEENTT Aaaaand there! You are a purple Now… Cheezaddy check ya’self out before you rizzady wreck yourself! I am the best doctor! I’m having fun in my ER It’s not my ER, it’s pediatrics DONT WORRY, WE HAVE ROOM WORKS(?) IN HERE TODAY (im sorry yall) FUCKIN HIGH SCORE BITCHES I have never felt like a more accomplished doctor! The more stars I get, the prettier I get as well, and the happier I get That’s all I need in life, more stars Ooh inject her hand! What’s up, Connor? What’s going down? In jealous land Okay ILL BE RIGHT THERE DONT WORRY ABOUT I Connor? Mr. Sexy Handsome? WE HAVE COMPETITION He’s sittin’ there like “Hmm.. that man.. might actually… BE MORE HANDSOME THAN I!!” Okay, that was easy HA WHAT DO I KNOW, IM JUST A DITZY FLOOPSY DOODLES HAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH I LOVE IT!! JUST OUT OF NOWHERE! Just really ridiculous, stupid shit You know we have something to hide… the orphans! We killed them all! Hahahha WE CANT TALK ABOUT THAT DAMMIT!!!! I HEARD YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT STOLEN MEDICINE AND ALSO, STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND’S HEART That’s a dominating man. Comes in, voice AND balls in your face NIIIICEEE Oh! Ryan’s still getting along Hahhahaha I’m sorry, Alison’s butt. I’m sorry. I was staring at your butt! Why’re you making luchadores? Oh, Ryan! Everything Ryan says is gold HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAH OOOH THIS IS MY NEW FAVORITE GAME EVER!! Can I… pay money to get rid of Ryan? Oh I have three beds now! Alright, what else can I upgrade? Chairs? I’m gonna upgrade these ones! Because I feel like these are the ones they spend the longest in Okay, Ryan What the fuck is this? OH I HAVE TO FUCKIN’ HELP YOU BUILD? IM A PEDIATRICIAN NOT A FUCKIN’ CARPENTER DO I LOOK LIKE JESUS’S FATHER? I fuckin’ did it, ha ha ha Okay, help build the decor Oh you want mr. lil sick bear OH WAIT NO N ON O NO NO PICK UP THE FUC KI N– SHES DYING DAMMIT SHES BLEEDING OUT ON MY TABLE I WILL NOT HAVE THIS, JULIE!!! Motherfucker. BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP Yep it’s leprosy alright, I’m sorry. We’re gonna have to amputate those feet We’re gonna have to amputate that face Ah shit, there’s no way in hell that I can do this fast enough to be able to— AHHHH I FUCKIN’ DID IT! (believ jack believ) Okay, help build the decor and– get over in that fuckin’ chair Uh oh… Uh oh… UH OH Shit’s actually… gettin’ rather hard now ‘kay, you’ll be fine at that for awhile Um… what is your height? You are a greeny doo HO HO HOOO! 1 STAR REACHED BECAUSE OF THE C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER! Jesus Christ, am I building a fuckin’ stable? Go over there, I’m busy buildin’ Ya think these fuckin’ magical surgery hands are just good for openin’ children up and stuffin’ lovin’ there? NO!!!! THESE ARE ALSO GOOD FOR BUILDING LUCHADORES STAGES!! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN MY LIFE? Okay. Go over there and measure Even tho’ you’re about 19ft tall NOOO CHECKOUT I WAS SAYIN’ Measure this tall… lady Okay, he needs a- he needs a syringe in his head There you go. Yes, I can see inside your head and see that there’s no fuckin’ brains in there! What are you telling me over here? Restock? I DON’T NEED YOUR FUCKIN’ RESTOCK Oh! I’ll just go over here and read this bullshit Niiice!! I finished it. I FINISHED IT There we go. Augh fucK FUCK FU CK I NEED TO RESTOCK! YOURE NOT TAKING THE THING!!!! Okay– There we go, there we go INHALER! Yes, I think I need one with all the fuckin’ running around I’m doing BBRRRRRRTTT DONT FUCKIN’ WORRY I’M THE BEST DOCTOR. I’M ABLE TO BUILD SETS, I’M ABLE TO FIX YOUR FACE, I’M ABLE TO DO SOME ROADWORKS ON YOUR ARM Check him out, we’re almost at the end of the day Nobody else. Nobody else! That’s the end. THAT’S THE END. WE’RE DONE. WE’RE GOOD. WE’RE DONE-ZO MOTHERFUCKER! COMING INTO MY PEDIATRICS WHEN I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET OUT AND GET A MIMOSA Ya know what’s gonna happen? I’m gonna bandage your face shut You couldn’t have done that at home? You look like you’re about 22 years old! Why’re you in the fuckin’ pediatrics? Did I get Oliver this time? I can’t remember if I did I did, and I got the challenge! Ain’t no sweat off my sack. DEUCES!! Oh shit Give us, give us som– AHAHAHHAAHAHAH BABY FIGHTS!! You know if they hurt each other, I’m just gonna be the one foldin’ the bill and… fixing shit Also, did I just deconstruct my desk in 2 mins? I love that it’s children fighting in luchadore outfits! Oh my God… Ya have to pay for those ones apparently HA! *pshh* ???? sCUSE ME?? IM TALKING! Fuck, I’m missing the story now It’s beautiful… byee hhHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHA AUUGHG THE FEELS! (tragic backstory, mannnn) POOR ALISON! WOW THEY’RE SO MUCH BETTER AT THIS THAN I AM (fabulous jack moment) (such sexy man) I really wish she’d dab Poor Alison… AwwW NOOOOO Oh gee do you think so, dad? Aw thanks gee Aw… 🙁 Do it, Alison! NO! CALL YOU MOTHER!! How are you ever gonna go up, evolve and grow, if you don’t call your mommy? Maynnn. She’s hidin’! SHE’S HIDING FROM THE TRUTH! That’s her problem– Awh I didn’t do the bonus level back here Okay, let’s do this! 3! 2! 1! What happened? Did the game crash? Okay! Well, the game crashed, so, I’m gonna leave this episode here! (he still hasn’t changed the wallpaper from emily is away??) I was just gonna do the bonus mission and leave it here anyway, might do those in like, my own time so we get just the story stuff in the episodes instead of going through like all the bonus little hipsy diddles here and there I don’t know what hipsy diddles is, I just made up that term right here and now, it’s good! MAN THIS GAME IS SO FUCKIN’ AWESOME I LOVE IT SO MUCH LIKE THE GAMEPLAY IS ACTUALLY SUPER FUN. I WOULD LEGITIMATELY PLAY THIS, IT’S VERY ADDICTIVE! To get in and like click on things and get your highscores and everything, I’d legit play this This’d be a great uh touchscreen game, but I think… The story, along with that, AMAZING. Cause I love stories where I get to do my own voices But having a story that’s just so completely ridiculous, and so… melodramatic really puts it over the top for me Ahhh I love it so much! (OUTRO TIME) Tune in next time… for… Hearts Medicine.